Please see the video here, for more context concerning the broader topic being discussed in this post.
One of our Community members told me a story about a friend who refused to date anyone outside of her race. After I inquired about said friend now, this was her reply (permission was granted to post). Subscriber’s story begins here (unedited):
I wish that I had a happy ending for my friend, but I stopped discussing the issue with her. I love her dearly, but she straight up pulled a white woman’s tears scenario on me. She was hurt that I thought she was racist when I clearly explained that she struggled with anti-Black and anti-Latino sentiments. She was upset that I was stereotyping her and characterizing her as someone who was uplifting and affirming white supremacy. She thought that for some reason that it was ok that she felt the way she did, for a well-educated woman she did not want to examine her beliefs. Furthermore, I think that she was threatened that I questioned her especially because I initially felt the same way she did, except it was with me only being willing to date Black men. I remember she explained that Black men are physically attractive, though she is not sexually attracted to any man, she just couldn’t date one. I really avoided being an ass and telling her that plenty of people would find her physically attractive but not engage or would only engage in a romantic relationship with her because of whatever preconceived notions they have about Asian women. Basically, what I mean is that finding someone physically attractive but being unwilling to date them, as long as they are kind, implies that one might have some deep-seated issues. She tried explaining to me that she prefers Asian men, and I wanted to tell her that a preference does not exclude other groups of people. I even asked her if an Asian man mistreats you would you still continue to date Asian men. And basically, the only answer I got was that she would not stay with an Asian man who mistreated her. I don’t think that she really understood the point of my question though. The point is if one Asian man mistreats her, then would she basically dump all Asian men and remain single for the rest of her life.
She kept wondering why I didn’t care that much about the fact that she refused to date white men. And she didn’t understand when I told her that the problem is that Black and Latino men are still currently demonized for their supposed sexual deviances heaven forbid if, even now, a Black man expressed romantic interest in a white woman. When I explained this I was told that I was thinking too deeply about the issue and that not everything needs to have some type of historical context associated with it, especially because she didn’t mean any harm since she is just trying to protect herself. I even explained that her belief that Asian men were safe, is akin to white people saying that Asian men are not sexually attractive and that they are incapable of being sexual beings.
Really what I wanted to get at was this concept that she believed which was that everyone is affected with yellow fever for Asian women and that everyone sees Asian men as eternal virgins, but she could not wrap her mind around the idea that some Black and Latino men who have experienced sexual fetishization might actually be willing to not accept those stereotypes society has presented us with. In all honesty, her presupposition about Black and Latino men was incredibly offensive because there are no serious repercussions for white men if BIPOCs see them as being harmful, and yet the same is not true for Brown and Black men.
For whatever reason, she just could not understand me. This is one of the few instances where I am annoyed with people using their experiences as a basis for understanding and interacting with the world around them. You are welcome to share this story, I really do hope that it helps you. In the end, I apologized to my friend and told her that I was sorry for hurting her feelings. I didn’t want to apologize because I did not shame my friend, I explained that as a Black woman I have struggled with anti-Blackness and anti-Latino sentiments as well.
I haven’t fully thought out this yet; however, for some reason, I have felt that the Black love movement is something that benefits Black men and not Black women. For whatever reason, I think of it as another form of respectability politics and or a way to police Black women.
I want to thank this person for sharing with us.
