I went to my former therapist to discuss an idea I had been thinking about after listening to a relationship podcast.
Here is what we discussed.
The below is not advice, just the ramblings of a man trying to understand one archetype of insecure people with potential neglect and abandonment scars.
Remember this: when someone hurts you, it is not your fault. But if you go back to someone who tossed you aside and picked someone else, that’s entirely on you. It’s time to talk about it.
“He always comes back,” only means you are a fool. (Somewhere online)
It’s important to remember that not everyone who hurts you is a bad person. We’ve all experienced some form of emotional pain during our childhood, and some of us carry deeper wounds than others. The search for love, whether in the present or the past, is often driven by a desire to have our unfulfilled childhood needs met. It’s something that we all experience in different ways.
Many of us are wounded in some way from our childhood. We seek love and connection to meet our unmet needs. This can lead us to form relationships that are not necessarily healthy or fulfilling, as we may be seeking to fill a void rather than truly connecting with another person.
Forgive them and yourself.
If we view people as children who are trying to fulfill their innate needs for love and connection, we can forgive them for the ways they choose to fulfill those needs. This perspective can lead us to better understand our own needs and strive for mutually beneficial relationships, instead of staying stuck in co-dependent ones. Additionally, this approach can make it easier for us to let go of people who do not meet our needs, instead of wasting time trying to force them into a predetermined mold.
You suffer when you try to make them something they are not and they also suffer. Resentment builds.
Suffering for another person is not a genuine display of love. Enduring pain and trauma to prove your love for a partner is unnecessary and unacceptable. I firmly believe that a person who repeatedly inflicts harm on you does not truly love you. However, it’s possible this could be their way of fulfilling their own needs.
Sometimes, there are people in your life who believe that you can only truly love them if you go through hardships and pain. They may not intentionally try to hurt you, but they need to see you suffer and be pushed to your limits to feel loved and trusted. However, it’s important to remember that this is not a healthy dynamic. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s best to walk away and remove yourself from this harmful cycle.
This person will never be satisfied with anything you do for them. Even if you cook their favorite food, play their favorite music at the right volume, or cut your hair in the way they like, they will always find something to criticize. They always need you to perform and won’t acknowledge your efforts without finding flaws. This behavior is even more noticeable when you’re doing better than them by their metric– yes they are competing. They won’t appreciate you and what you offer. Rather, they will try to undermine you to keep themselves feeling superior.
This might not be conscious and it can happen in friendships.
Many people who wish to cause harm to others may not see themselves as bad people. To make it easier for them to inflict harm, they may convince themselves that their targets are bad. This allows them to feel less emotional hurt or regret for their actions, as they justify them by making their targets seem deserving of the harm. It is important to note that this mindset may not be conscious. The target is you, if that wasn’t clear.
When you consider yourself a good person and understand the meaning of goodness, yet all you see when you look at yourself through someone else’s eyes are flaws and mistakes you have made, that person is not the one. You may not fully understand how your actions are deemed bad, yet you accept that you are bad because that is how they perceive you. This is a sign that you are with someone who needs you to be bad and is convincing themselves and you of your badness. RUN!!!
It’s not uncommon for people who are insecure to struggle with honesty about themselves. They may recognize your value and worth, but feel unworthy of you. Instead of addressing their feelings of inadequacy, they may try to make themselves feel better by belittling you and minimizing your accomplishments. In such a situation, it’s best to run away from them. Trying to appease someone who cannot accept their feelings of insignificance may lead to both resenting each other. Therefore, it’s better to avoid such people and move on with your life.
The emotional benefit they receive from discrediting you and viewing you as bad will prevent you, in their eyes, from doing anything right for any extended period. They need to believe that you are not that special for their ego. I believe this can happen at a community level. You will constantly do everything, carry all the burdens, be blamed, and never be appreciated. They will nitpick everything.
Be with them too long and you will begin to doubt yourself. Do not try to prove yourself, you will feel and might even go insane. How good you are is seen as an attack on them. You will never do right in their eyes and that’s ok, you need to move on. Until this person is healed, which you cannot do for them, their best relationship might be with someone they deem as less than them.
Protecting yourself means you need to leave.
Loving them also means you need to leave.
Inner child work is for all of us with childhood issues. It is important to know that we all have something to work on. Let people go so they can be better. The more good you do, the worse they will have to act out. This will destroy you if you attempt to hold on to someone who sees you as bad for their ego. Again, this feels like it is at the community level.
If people don’t appreciate what you give them, then giving more of the same thing isn’t the solution. Instead, you should cherish what you have and use it for yourself. Whether it’s your time, money, or energy, use it to make yourself happy until you find someone who can appreciate what you have to give.
Repeat…
Why would you keep giving yourself to someone who doesn’t value you? If you have the means to take them on lavish vacations and they still don’t appreciate it, perhaps it’s best to let them vacation with someone who is more budget-conscious. They might prefer that lifestyle and be happier with someone who can offer that. Love them enough to let them find their happiness and take what you have to offer to someone who will truly appreciate and deserve it.
Choosing yourself is an act of self-love.
Choose you!!!
